


Push

by CommanderVictorious



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Denial of Feelings, Erwin Smith-centric, F/M, Falling In Love, Introspection, M/M, POV Second Person, Short One Shot, losing loved ones
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-01
Updated: 2017-09-01
Packaged: 2018-12-22 10:40:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11965725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CommanderVictorious/pseuds/CommanderVictorious
Summary: You tell him you left your heart behind. back in your father's grave. You think it won't hurt. The pain is worse than the loss of your arm. He nods, salutes, says "Yes sir" just like he always does. But you see there's something missing in his eyes, a fire, violently stamped out.That's how you know you've broken his heart.





	Push

**Author's Note:**

> After being asked to write a multi-chaptered piece of Attack on Titan fanfiction, I was a little stumped for ideas. Admittedly, fanfiction is not my forte, I tend to avoid it over writing for my own novels. But my friend did ask (read:nag) me very nicely, so I did my best. 
> 
> This piece sprung from brainstorming during a lecture at university, I wrote the line in the Summary first, and from there just let the writing happen. It took about 50 minutes total, so it's no masterpiece, but I'm sharing it anyway. 
> 
> _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
> Also: [Eva](https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodmorningvietnam666/pseuds/evanesce96), I bet you thought this was the piece, but it isn't. I'm on writing strike until you work on In Bloom, or on something else, you awful, lazy friend you.

## Push

### Marie

You are in love. She makes you happy beyond words. You laugh more, smile more, when she is with you. Somehow the world is not so dark a place, and you can forget for a few hours. 

Your father is dead, and the wound festers. She finds a way to soothe it, ways you didn’t know existed. Ways that the pair of you stumble in, that scare you before they excite you. But your father is rotting in the grave. Because of you. She helps but it is not enough. You must prove your father right. When you leave the Cadet Corp and join the Scout Regiment, she begs you to change your mind. 

You tell her to forget about you, to move on. She cries, and you don’t flinch in the face of her misery. You keep moving and cast her aside. Turn to the Titans.

Turn to your own selfish agenda, and leave your heart behind.

### Nile

He and you have been friends for such a long time. You’ve wrestled in mud, learnt, played together. You love him as a brother and he feels the same. When you find Marie he is distant. You don’t understand it for jealousy for a long time. You join the Cadets together and the tension eases. 

He still makes you laugh, brings you a joy that is rare to you. You cry when he talks of his mother. When he talks about the life he wants, a life you can’t live. Makes you cry because you cannot follow him. Can’t be happy until you achieve your goals. Until you avenge your father. 

Nile doesn’t understand, and when you turn to the Titans he calls you mad. He is the first to adopt that name, but many will follow in the years to come. He calls you selfish, and then once you’ve given her away, moves to Marie. Comforts her and marries her. 

You don’t have the heart to care.

### Miche

You meet him in the field. Your blades are gone, the last pair are shattered to pieces. Titans are close by, see you in the distance. There’s a flash of movement, a flurry of a cape, metal glints off the sun and two Titans drop. You flinch when a man lands beside you, pushes his hair back from his face and strides over. Confident and sure, he grins, pulls you to your feet.

“Section Commander Zacharius” you breathe, and he laughs at your apparent awe: this is the strongest man in the Scouts. 

He’s full of good humour, teases you daily, tells you stories, listens to your own. Teaches you to be stronger in the field, and lets you rant about your father’s theories concerning the Titans. You like him: he’s a good listener, not overly ambitious, and fiercely loyal to the cause. 

It’s once you’ve risen to his rank that you start to pick up on something in your now friend’s demeanour. Something he’s reeling in, not hiding but repressing. You realise very quickly what that feeling is, and make sure to banish it from his mind. Subtly, as you always are, you tell him of Marie, of your once love. You’re not sure how else to convey to him that you do not want anyone close to your heart, that to be so is dangerous. He understands, and once you are Commander, he follows, the restraint of his feelings long gone. 

He serves you well, and you think it’s nice not to burn a bridge for once, to have a friend you can trust to follow you. To step into the waiting mouths of Titans if ordered to, to stand at your defence, regardless of how horrible you truly are within.

### Hanji

She is bright and sparkling, full of so much intelligence, brimming with unbridled curiosity. She has no fear, is brilliant and happy to work for your agenda. But you notice that she tries to get closer, takes her scalpels and magnifying glasses to you rather than the Titans. You cannot stand it, that itching, burning feeling of being judged, watched, _observed_ like an animal, like a fascinating species on the verge of extinction. 

You tell her exactly this, and she surprises you: laughs, tells you it’s a passing fancy and nothing more. She appreciates your mind, and you hers, it seems only natural for you two to find one another, and to grow closer. Too close, when she opens up, tells you of a past that is equally sad and mundane, when she talks about the future. About humanity, and you’ll all do after it’s been saved. 

Immediate, cruel, you tell her there is no life for you, that you’ll retire, and fade away from the minds of the people. Once you have proved your father right, the world will not want you, neither will she. Insistent, she remains, tries to prove that you cannot chase her away. But you have done this time and again, pushing is so much easier than pulling, and you push her hard. 

Push her away using Titans and research, speculation and orders, the name ‘Commander’ and assistants to take up her time. You rush to find a wall she will not break, harden it and make sure never to peek over it should she see your reluctance to keep her at a distance. Maybe once you could have loved her, but you do not have room for love. Not now, and never again.

### Levi

He is angry, fire incarnate, hate and snapping flames, a determination to burn all that try to touch him. His heart is like yours: locked up and protected fiercely. He tries to kill you, hates you, calls you monster before you even tried to show it to him. You push him through the ranks, and he is the strength the Scouts needed, Humanity’s Strongest Soldier, your prized subordinate. 

You are proud, even though he hates you with each breath, he spits curses at you, and tries to kill you with hard eyes. Until you are Commander, until you trust him with your true goals. He smiles, and calls you selfish. You agree, you are the worst kind of human being, and you don’t have the heart to tell people otherwise. 

He stays by your side, protects you, lashes out and uses that fire to keep other at bay. You don’t have to break hearts or push away friends anymore, he does it for you. You have found a weapon to protect humanity, and yourself. A man bristling with power, dominance, a man who would die and kill for you without hesitation. 

But like everyone, he spends too long with you, gets too close. 

You lose an arm, it doesn’t worry you. Waking up and learning that you can’t write is not so bad as dying. He is there, fire and fury, lecturing you, screaming at you that you should have been careful. Blaming himself because it’s what he’s best at. He says three words, they scare you, scare him. 

You tell him that you cannot reply. That you left your heart behind the walls, buried it with your father, ripped off a piece and left that with Marie. You tell him there’s just no room for anything where that empty hole is. You think, like every time you’ve done this before, it won’t hurt. The pain is worse than the loss of your arm. 

You expect him to fight, to rage, to cry. But he only nods, says “Yes sir” just like he always does. But the fire, in his eyes, in his being, it’s gone, missing. 

That’s how you know you’ve broken his heart. 

The day you die is the first you see him cry. Before, he’d told you how proud he was to have served you, how well you’d done for humanity. He knows it’s a lie as much as you do. But you cannot help being proud of who he has become. He says those three words again, “I love you.” Through tears, clenched teeth. 

When you die, those are the only words you think of. When you die, you regret ever leaving your heart behind. 

Regret every time you pushed.


End file.
